Soap is not a condiment
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
