her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
