I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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