I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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