Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
