i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
