Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
