I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
