Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
