he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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