I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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