OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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