just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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