Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
