In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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