First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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