i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
