The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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