I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
