I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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