I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
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P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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