Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
