The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
