I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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