yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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