whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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