checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
