some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it's like iHOP with fire
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
