Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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