Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
