Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
