I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
