fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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