theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
