I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
