My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So I just went to clothing optional bar
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
