im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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