I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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