He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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