eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
