that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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