If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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