did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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