your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
