omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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