i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
