i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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