Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
After tacos, we're chasing women.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
