I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
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They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.