I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
