How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
