just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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