Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
