You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
